Two Sides of the Same Coin, Solitude and Loneliness

Solitude vs. Loneliness

Two Very Different Reactions to Being Alone

Meet single Christian women or men for long term romance. Read our dating advice from dating coach Katherine Tapani.Let’s move on now to solitude and how it differs from loneliness, Christian singles. Both are the result of being alone, or rather, both are a reaction to the state of being alone. It has been said that language has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone, and the word solitude to express the glory of being alone. However, solitude is a welcome choice, a chance to rest and nourish the soul whereas loneliness carries so many destructive emotions that we want to escape it. Vincent Van Gogh painted a touching picture of being alone; “One may have a blazing hearth in one’s soul, yet no one ever comes to sit by it”

On the other hand, solitude has it’s benefits. Aloneness forces you to evaluate your life, your aspirations, beliefs, and attitudes. You’ve heard the saying, it’s good to lay fallow for awhile. That which does not kill me, strengthens me. The following poem, author unknown, is reminiscent of Biblical wisdom gained and born out of suffering:

I walked a mile with Pleasure

She chattered all the way

And left me none the wiser

For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow

And ne’re a word said she

But, oh, the things I learned from her

When Sorrow walked with me.

Creative people need more solitude than others, because they need to hone their craft, envision a new creation, and concentrate to bring to fruition what they see in their mind’s eye. Lou Dorfsman opined, “Creativity is essentially a lonely art, an even lonelier struggle; to some a blessing, to others a curse. It is, in reality, the ability to reach inside yourself and drag forth from your very soul an idea.”

You’ve probably read the poem “One Solitary Life” telling how our Savior’s life, in relative obscurity, changed the world, with His message of love and forgiveness. He taught men to respect and honor women and to value all life. In fact, the early believers took to heart the teaching that in Heaven there is neither male nor female, slave nor free person but all are one in Christ, thereby elevating female believers who worked side by side with men, bringing souls to Christ.You may have heard about the practice of Roman parents who left their unwanted newborn babies in the garbage outside the city to die. At night, the early Christians would come and bring the cast off babies home to raise as their own because they knew how Jesus loved little children. This was at great cost to them as they too, were outcasts, marginalized and hunted by the powerful Romans.

Jesus also had to find quiet time with His Father, so He escaped the massive crowds to spend time in prayer, talking with His Father. Many find quiet time to spend with God in the early morning hours and it sustains them through their day. I hope you will take time appreciating solitude and refresh your souls alone with God, Christian singles. I’m sure you are familiar with one of the old songs of the faith: “I come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses”. Yes, wherever we meet with the Lord, we find renewal in our spirits. He cares about you, dear brother and sister, and He will never leave you or forsake you. Happier days are coming for you, so full of joy, the former days will nearly be forgotten. Take heart.

Loneliness Can Be A Springboard to Great Exploits!

Loneliness Can Be A Springboard

Meet single Christian women or men for long term romance. Read our dating advice from dating coach Katherine Tapani.Some think loneliness and poverty go hand in hand, but loneliness is present in the most privileged positions. Princess Diana was said to be lonely, living in luxury, but feeling unwanted, though people around the world greatly admired her. The lonely souls in poverty just have more to deal with, like how they will feed and provide for themselves and their children. Neighborhood self-help groups, church outreaches, and free group therapy sessions may give them the help they need to get back on their feet. This should be a priority for Christian singles and all others who are plagued by loneliness and depression. First turn to help others. In fact, when we reach out to others, we forget about our own troubles and focus instead on uplifting them, thereby, helping each other. We can visit lonely neighbors, especially seniors, or make it a habit to speak a warm, encouraging word to a shy person, or witness for our Savior, letting others know He is ready and able to help them. Build their hope by letting them know He is so warm and loving, and it doesn’t matter what we’ve done, for our Beloved Lord has already paid for all sins, past, present, and future on the cross. In fact, they have already been paid in full. All we have to do is reach out and gratefully accept His free gift! He did not come to the Earth to condemn it, but to save it!

You may have heard that babies who are not held and touched develop a “failure to thrive syndrome” and may die as a result. The elderly have the same need. If you have a grandmother, one of the nicest things you could do for her is hug her, and ask if you could rub her back or brush her hair, like you did when you were little. Remind her of happy times when you both were younger and when she generously lavished attention on you and gave you unconditional love. If she was like most grandmas and grandpas she was rarely too busy or tired to do something special with you.

Dag Hammerskjold advised that you “Pray that your loneliness will spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.” Well, finding something to live for and great enough to die for is a ‘no brainer’ for the Christian single! A hurting world is just outside the door, waiting to be helped, encouraged and introduced to our Savior, who promises to stick closer than a brother and His offer is open to anyone, whosoever will may come to Him and will never be cast out. Even as we struggle to overcome our own loneliness, the Lord will give us the strength to reach out to a lonely neighbor or co-worker and this will lift up our own spirits, as we help someone else along the way.

Lonely, battered women find solace in shelters where they can talk with their sisters in group therapy. Then they can begin to mend their broken lives and find friends and new hope for themselves and their children. We should not be impatient if they cannot sever ties with their abusive mate right away, but try to understand that their minds have undergone powerful manipulation, and their value denigrated. Keep them and their children in your prayers.

According to psychologist Jerry Greenwald, “We all respond to those who are nourishing, and genuinely nourishing people will not be lonely” How true it is that the more we help and console others, the better we feel, too.

Well, sweet Christian brothers and sisters, as you let the above encouragement help you see that there definitely is a way out of your ‘time of trouble’, relax awhile and prepare for your coach’s dose of happiness and laughter. Let me tickle your funny bone! And allow Mark Twain’s observation help you to get perspective. “I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened!”

“Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you’ve never known before. But it always ends and you end up feeling bitter. Wait! It’s not love I’m describing. I’m thinking of a monorail.” Jack Handey

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is your soul.” The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?”, he asked.

Christian singles – What is the oldest profession?

A physician, an engineer and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented .The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making Him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”

The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus, He was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”

Then the lawyer spoke up. “Yes”, he said, “But who do you think created all the chaos and confusion?”


A doctor of psychology was doing his normal rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “can’t you see, I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired of patient #1

what patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, “Oh, he’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2’s face is going all red.

The doctor asks patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself.”

Patient #1 replies, “What, and work in the dark?”

Loneliness Hides Behind Depression, A More Acceptable Malady

Loneliness Hides Behind Depression

Meet single Christian women or men for long term romance. Read our dating advice from dating coach Katherine Tapani.Loneliness doesn’t come to the doctor, presenting itself; it comes as a more socially acceptable issue, such as depression, anger or addiction. Christian Singles, some people are ashamed to admit they are lonely, but they shouldn’t be. They feel there must be something unacceptable, unattractive or something wrong with them or they would attract others to them. We will unmask the real culprit later, and it won’t be physical appearance, social status, or education, because we all know of people who are lacking in those areas and still have plenty of love and friends in their lives. We MUST understand the savage hold of the enemy of our souls before we can be set free, so please take to heart these observations so you will have all the ammunition you need to conquer fears, misperceptions, old hurt from unkind people long ago, and present feelings of hopelessness. Step by step you will see that we are actually fighting a paper tiger whose main advantage is deception and the ability to make you believe the worst, instead of believing in a bright and happy future, available to you through faith in Christ and His power to change things for your benefit.

Men deal with loneliness differently than women. First, they don’t seem to bond with men as easily or quickly as women do with each other. Hollywood idolizes the Lone Ranger hero who is strong and self-reliant. Unless men are thrown together as in war, where their lives are in their comrade’s hands, they tend to have only superficial male relationships. Here is a true story of a family member’s military experience that so aptly illustrates this:

“I recall when I was in the Army an old First Sergeant told me “You will never know other men like you do now.” He went on to explain that most of a man’s life is spent with his wife, children, family, and job. Outside of the Army you don’t really get to know other men. Here you depend upon each other for survival, and you spend long hours working together to accomplish difficult tasks which are rarely paralleled on the outside. I was in the 82nd Airborne Division, and we spent about eight months of the year gone in the field, to all parts of the world. Being in the infantry we worked together in very close conditions, in fox holes, and crammed together like sardines in aircraft headed to our next mission.

On missions we depended upon the guy behind us to check our gear pre-jump, one small mistake, such as a misrouted static line around your equipment and you could crash and burn. We spent many hours planning and preparing missions and equipment together not to mention executing the missions.

With all of this interaction I never felt lonely. There were times I was exhausted, bored, nervous, or even homesick, but never lonely.

I can still remember the men I served with twenty years ago very clearly. My memory of people I’ve worked with in the past five years is not nearly as strong. The old First Sergeant was right. Now I spend little time (comparatively) with other men.

Now getting back to business. The point of my personal story above is that spending time with and depending upon others in any community brings a certain “Esprit De Corps” or strong sense of belonging and responsibility to a group much bigger than yourself. The people of 200 years ago also had relationships at their best. They forged deep lifelong and loyal friendships. They knew how necessary their friends and family were to them, and even though they could not pick up a phone and talk to their loved ones as we can, they wrote long letters, so touching and eloquent, many have been saved and cherished through generations. This is not to say, Christian singles, that we don’t have a great advantage today, online and off, with all the instant ways of connecting, for surely we can hear our loved ones voices whenever we wish. But still, let us build those abiding and trusting relationships of yesteryear, and ones like the old Sergeant described. This is the real stuff of life, with, most importantly, a deep love for our Savior.” Bonding into strong family units and friendships might require getting rid of some habits and time wasters and spending more time with loved ones. Researching our time spent on video games, television, and other solitary habits and addictions, could reveal many free hours which could revolutionize our lives! Why not demand more of life?

What does this mean for you? A more excellent way of life rich with rewards. An old poem declares:

I labored for a menials hire,
Only to learn dismayed,
That any wage I would have asked of life,
Life would have gladly paid.- J. B. Rittenhouse

If you, dear reader desire splendid relationships full of warmth, happiness, and passion life will be glad to pay you that wage. Life is all about people, there is nothing else except things. These are not tools to manipulate others but are best used to establish deeper and more rewarding relations with people.

The Lord has purposed that we should have life and love more abundantly:

John 10:10 “The thief cometh not, but for to steal and to kill and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”

God says that you can have these things, what has been holding you back? Certainly not God.

Would You Believe? Unlimited Singles Looking For You!

Would You Believe? Unlimited Singles Looking For You!

Meet single Christian women or men for long term romance. Read our dating advice from dating coach Katherine Tapani.I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first? Oh, the good news? I thought so! Christian dating in the 21st century offers fantastic opportunities and advantages that past generations of lonely hearts couldn’t have imagined; namely Christian singles websites where you can meet thousands of like-minded brothers and sisters for any relationship from pen pals, new friends, or a matchmaking opportunity, and all from the comfort of your computer corner. And yes, you can meet new people,  wearing your jammies. Is this progress or what?!!

Online dating is especially welcoming to shy people because you don’t have to deal with awkward face to face meetings, as you would in a Christian singles brick and mortar club. You can visit and learn all about a new person for weeks online, exchanging photos and life histories until you feel comfortable enough with your friend to meet. If you have retreated into your shell it takes longer to allow courage and hope to work their magic.

Formerly, singles were limited to meeting potential mates in their immediate area. Churches offered help with their singles classes and group trips and activities but the internet will introduce you to multitudes of singles who are looking for someone special to love, so the chance of finding a perfect match is greatly enhanced, and along the way, you’ll also develop new friendships if there is no “love connection”, and your circle of friends will grow.

Singles in small towns and remote areas will be on a level playing field with city dwellers, able to meet unlimited new friends who may be feeling lonely too.

A note to Seniors: I’m so encouraged that many seniors are taking this opportunity to meet new online friends, prayer partners, pen pals and potential mates. If you don’t have a computer of your own, it doesn’t exclude you from meeting someone on the web. You may have a friend or family member who can get you started on their computer, and get an email address for you. After you have met someone and feel comfortable enough, you can share phone numbers and continue to get acquainted by phone and eventually meet.

Some seniors just buy a small keyboard, plug it into the TV and into the telephone jack and their TV becomes their monitor or screen upon which the internet unfolds in all it’s glory and potential to bring new friends into their lives. If you are interested in this, the monthly fee is about $20. Many seniors have access to computers in senior centers or their club house and another place to access the internet is at your local library. You could call to see if they can supply an email address for you, as some libraries do not. Also ask if you will need to make an appointment ahead of time.

Just a note for Christian singles who may be lonely or depressed. There is an old adage: “To have friends, you must first be a friend.” This doesn’t mean that you are unfriendly! It means that if you wish to end your loneliness and make friends you must take the initiative. Reach out your hand of friendship to others. By doing so the dark clouds of loneliness and depression will burn off in the warmth of friendship’s light. Here at CherishMates we hope that you will join our Christian dating program. It’s free to join. You may meet only those you wish to. Perhaps you only want a prayer partner or pen pal, that’s great! You’re moving in the right direction. If you wish for deeper relationships that’s entirely up to you. You will not be rushed. Why not get started today and blow away those clouds of loneliness and depression?

 A lonely Child’s Scheme To Find Friends

Please indulge me in sharing this true story of  my lonely early years. Loneliness is not a stranger to young children. I can still remember a deep longing to have a little girlfriend to play with when I was 3 or 4 years old. We lived in the country, too far to visit neighbors on my own, though a girl lived only half a mile away. I was the baby in a family of six and my mother spent a lot of time rocking me, singing old hymns and reciting poetry, but I longed for a girl my age and even had dreams at night of finally meeting one.

My brother Jimmy, already in first grade, would practice reading aloud to me, and he said the first thing he had to learn  was how to read. Suddenly a light went on in my head; I hatched a plan to go to school early, where I knew there were plenty of little girls. I thought all I had to do was prove I could read and the principal would have to accept me. So I prodded Jimmy to read the first page over and over again until I’d memorized it. It went something like this: See Dick run. Run, Dick, run. See Spot jump. Jump, Spot, Jump.”(admittedly, the story didn’t have much of a plot, but it was easy to memorize!.) Flushed with excitement, I announced that I could go to school now because I knew how to read! Mom listened while I held the book and repeated the words I knew so well but she wasn’t convinced I could read because she pointed out that I was holding the book upside down!

Finally the magical day arrived, the first day of school. Although I was shy (and missed my mother) I embraced the experience and played with a whole gaggle of girls, and even a few snotty boys. It was heavenly!

I describe this type of loneliness as “situational” because it is easily remedied by a change in one’s life. Some of you may have this type, perhaps you’ve lost a loved one or are tired of the single life. But,Christian singles, search your heart for other emotional problems such as depression because they tend to hide themselves, and they must be dealt with or you can carry negative feelings and fears into a new relationship.

All the Ammunition You’ll Need to Conquer Loneliness!

All the Ammunition You’ll Need to Conquer Loneliness!

Meet single Christian women or men for long term romance. Read our dating advice from dating coach Katherine Tapani.Loneliness is epidemic but not insurmountable despite what Thomas Wolfe had to say about it:

“The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and a few solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence.” (Pretty grim, huh? But have no fear, much has been learned about overcoming loneliness and its gloomy companion, depression.)

Thomas Wolfe’s hopeless evaluation might seem daunting to Christian singles interested in dating a wonderful Christian man or woman, but take heart! Come with me, your dating coach Katherine, along a tried and true path to happiness and fulfillment. I want to show you how to banish your own constellation of emotional hobgoblins once and for all, as I did, 10 years ago.

My shyness was the open door that allowed loneliness and depression to walk right in. Over the years I read various self-help books by psychologists and I tried their remedies but there was always something missing, the “missing link” that would reach way down to get to the root of my suffering. What I’ve discovered has helped others and will be a godsend to you, too! And, unlike the hapless evolutionist, I’ve found the missing link! It is my great joy to share it with you.

This guide was written by a Christian for Christians, but if you don’t fit into that catagory, you are very welcome to sift through the articles that apply to you, taking hold of anything that helps you. I care very much about you, too, and I hope I can lift your spirits and encourage you!

Now I will introduce one facet of treatment for loneliness, and later, as we go over other aspects of loneliness, you will learn many new remedies, too. But this one will be easy because all you need to do is open yourself up to the healing balm of laughter. I will set aside periods for breaks so we can lighten up and get our minds off what’s wrong in our lives. It is a positive move to retrain your mind, steadily, to focus on something else and push all sad or angry thoughts aside, if only temporarily in the beginning. As you read these jokes, let yourself relax and enjoy a respite. You deserve a break today. Enjoy!

– Things To Think About Today, Christian Singles-

1. How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

2. Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-thru teller machines?

3. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

4. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?

5. What’s another word for thesaurus?

6. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

7. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

8. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

10.Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

11.When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

12.Can you cry underwater?

13.How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

14.Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

15.How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

16.Why argue with an idiot? People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

17.Why, when our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of happiness, didn’t they give us a few clues where to find it?


The laughter break is over and I do hope you took some of your medicine, meaning “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine”. We will take breaks for humor as we go along, because laughter brings many physical and emotional benefits, and anything which will retrain your mind to quit playing those old “tapes of sadness, despair and anger” and replace them with new, positive, life giving thoughts and dreams for a happier future will defeat loneliness, depression, and the other emotional stumbling blocks you may have encountered.

Now a Good News vs a Bad News question for your consideration:

We’ll dispense with the bad news as fast as we can. It is this: Loneliness has reached epidemic proportions in North America. Actually it is pandemic as many souls worldwide find themselves alone, disconnected from neighbors and family. Some reasons for this are longer working hours in demanding careers, more mobility, as grown children move far away for new jobs and better climate, etc, and the high tech and digital revolution, which some become addicted to. People may be “cocooning” inside, too much perhaps, due to fear of crime, and maybe they put off meeting new neighbors because they want to avoid inviting the “clinging” sort of neighbor who drops by every day and stays too long.

This cruel epidemic, loneliness, isn’t content with making us feel unloved and unwanted; it is implicated in a host of diseases and infirmities, including heart trouble, ulcers, arthritis and other painful conditions. It contributes to violence in the home, depression, overeating alcohol and substance abuse and more. (Even among Christians!)

However, it may help a little, knowing you are not alone. Most of the souls on Earth are suffering as well and know exactly how you feel. Jesus understands your pain . He lived among us and experienced loneliness because “His own received Him not”. Mother Teresa described the Lord’s sadness when she wrote,” When Christ said ‘I was hungry and you fed me’ he didn’t mean only the hunger for bread, He also meant the hunger to be loved. Jesus Himself experienced this loneliness first hand..’ He came amongst His own and His own received Him not.’ Every human being, in this case, resembles Christ in His loneliness, and that’s the hardest part, that’s the real hunger.” Now the Good News! Taste and see that the Lord is good! Read the following paragraph several times:

Envision the Savior by your side, loving and comforting you , ready to mend your broken heart and hold you in His arms. He cares and wants you to find love here on Earth, as you already have found in Heaven, with our dear Lord.

Mature Enough For a Frank Study of Proxemics?

Mature Enough For a Frank Study of Proxemics?

Meet single Christian women or men for long term romance. Read our dating advice from dating coach Katherine Tapani.If you replied “No” to the above question, you may bring a note from your mother to skip the following frank discussion. Ahh, I see that none of you are willing to concede immaturity, so let’s jump right in. Are you ready to leap into the unknown?

The five levels of non-verbal communications

Leaning in toward your date is another sign to come a little closer. Christian singles note that brief incursions into the other persons “personal bubble” is a way of testing their willingness to allow you in. Remember, at this point the whole object is to get closer to that one whom you are attracted to, everything else, the conversation, music and dining is just a means to get more intimate.

The overt flirtations vary from person to person, they may be a wink or a pick-up line. Being a good flirt in the world of Christian dating is a bit touchy as there are some conservative sensibilities out there. Like it or not we all flirt, it is our only way of communicating our desires for one another. God gave us this system for a reason, so use it in good taste.

Let us discuss a topic of great interest ahead as it will help you, the Christian single to not only discern the intentions of the other party, but avoid causing anxiety for him or her. The subject ahead is PROXEMICS.

Proxemics is the study of human territories.

Ever wonder why the Italians are considered to be great romantics and lovers? It is because their culture is very touchy. They love to use expressive hand gestures and touch one another. Now let’s contrast this to German culture. The Germans are more reserved and not as touchy-feely as the Italians thus the not so romantic reputation ascribed to the Germans, fairly or not. Generalities are often wrong.

Most cultures respect the personal territories of individuals. People are territorial and desire to control the space around themselves. We will study this special usage in social settings.

An individual’s personal space or “bubble” varies with circumstances and the company present. The following applies to all cultures except Italian. Gotta love ’em!

Intimate distance = 0-18 inches

Good friends = 1.5 to 4 feet

Acquaintance = 4-12 feet

Public speaking =12 + feet

The five levels of non-verbal communications

Christian singles if we intrude into these territories we may cause anxiety. For example, police interrogators use proxemics; they will invade the suspects personal space to gain a psychological advantage. They will assume an in your face attitude to try to mentally coerce the suspect into submission. This is a very effective tool in the hands of authority. People who are aggressive will do the same to attempt to bully others. Political activists use this invasion of territories in the same manner. Most people will usually yield to the aggressor for a time.

There are other intimate zones which deserve mention here as well. Many people will sit in the same seat in school or even at church week after week until that seat becomes “theirs” If someone else sits there then conflict or at least resentment may arise even though there are no officially recognized seating arrangements.

Another example of respected territories is when we come across another’s intimate zone. For instance; someone is talking on the phone and we may pretend to be reading the paper. Or, there may be a couple arguing, so we pretend not to notice as we walk by.

Let’s recap with this important information for the Cherishmates Primer. A change in distance between two people face to face signals a desire for increased intimacy, aggression, or lack of interest.

Some will say that personal space is a myth, but we do know that people are territorial so play it safe and don’t step on anyone’s toes out there. This is especially important when it comes to Christian singles dating. We must be sensitive of one another’s territories. With this understanding, we can move confidently into the stages of online dating, and obviously, you will find this study of proxemics helpful as you learn to get along with new Christian singles, both male and female.

It is now time that we considered another topic so that any shyness, anxiety, or depression will not put a barrier between you and your new love interest. Yes, lonelinesss and depression are rampant today, and stand in the way of finding your dream mate, whether the depressed one is yourself or the one you hope to spend your life with, in happiness and contentment. These obstacles must first be overcome. The good news, though, is that there are definite steps you can take to solve these problems and we will spend time on overcoming them.

How Our Crowning Glory Attracts Mates

The five levels of non-verbal communications

Meet single Christian women or men for long term romance. Read our dating advice from dating coach Katherine Tapani.The five levels of non-verbal communications: What your hair style says about you and what you want it to say. We can examine hair styles from years gone by to the present to understand the timeless attraction of our Crowning Glory.

Clean cut and well groomed hair is a sign of health, hygiene and social status. These people really care about social norms. Christian online daters note, sociopaths will usually take on this look because they know it is trusted.

Proctor and Gamble commissioned a study at Yale University in 2000 on the opposite sex’s perceptions of hair styles and here’s what they found.

For women’s hair styles;

1. Short, tousled hair conveys confidence and an outgoing personality, but ranks low in sexual attractiveness.

2. Medium length hair suggests intelligence and a good nature.

3. Long straight blonde hair projects sexuality and affluence.

4. Long hair in general accents the lips and eyes, removes jaw and brow features to soften the face. Out of all the hair styles going this makes women most attractive to men. The feminine features do not conflict with the stronger bony features of the face.

Have you ever noticed that men will stop and look at a woman with very long hair even if she has her back to them? Men tend to assume that she is attractive, though she may not necessarily be so.

For men’s hair styles;

1. Short front flip – Confident, sexy and self-centered.

2. Medium length side parted – Intelligence, affluence and narrow minded

3. Long – All brawn and no brains. Careless and good-natured.

4. Short military – Shows power by exposing the bony features of the face. All military hair codes require this cut, for the well understood reason that they look more fierce. It is not a coincidence that military codes worldwide require their soldiers to wear their hair in this manner. The military’s job is to kill people, not be politically correct.

Christian singles there you have it, take this information and use it to help you in your selection process. Now let us proceed on to the next level of non-verbal communications.

Now let’s consider what those all important silent messages might convey. Does your smile light up a room? Do you know how to signal to the opposite sex that you want to meet them, and learn more about them? Stay tuned, Christian singles!

The five levels of non-verbal communications; CherishMates exclusive report.

Christian singles note; The second level of non-verbal communications is:

2. The recognition – This is the springboard phase. At this point in the encounter we begin (If we are interested) to give them non-verbal signs to communicate our intentions. The signs are; flirtations, smiling, neck dimple, body alignment, self-touching, and clothing adjustment. We will trade gestures to tell each other almost subliminally to come closer until we touch. What are these common springboard gestures? They are;

· Smile- Have you ever noticed that when someone smiles or laughs in a crowd that those around them will usually mirror the same emotion? This phenomenon is called motorized empathy. When someone is happy, sad, or grieved we tend to take these attitudes as well especially if we are close to the person who is happy or sad. This is why it is said that a smile is contagious.

Smiles are especially contagious with those whom we are close to or wish to be close to. If she likes you she will usually laugh when you laugh. She is saying I wish to be a part of you. Of course, motorized empathy works on many different levels other than explained above. We may yawn when others do, or mirror facial expressions. We especially do this with children. Why? Because we understand that their knowledge of human behavior is not yet formed, and we are teaching them to be empathetic.

If he smiles with you it is a good bet that he is interested or at least not repulsed by you.

· Body alignment – If their body is squared to yours then of course they are giving due attention to you. But if they begin to mirror your posture and stance then it should be understood that they feel at ease and friendly toward you. Just another way of communicating our desire to proceed to deeper relations. Just ahead in the CherishMates Dating primer we will be discussing the neck dimple, don’t miss it!

The five levels of non-verbal communications

· Neck dimple – The most tender and vulnerable part of the body just above the collar bone and below the trachea. If it is exposed it signals a willingness to be vulnerable to the world. Military uniforms cover this area as do business suits (ties) to display strength and authority. A covered neck dimple tells all to stay back unless I say so. Throat bearing is a sign of submission throughout the animal kingdom.

Christian singles (women) if you are out on a date and he is wearing a tie and he doesn’t ever loosen it during the evening he is giving a signal that he is not ready to expose his vulnerable side yet. If on the other hand he loosens his tie this is an off handed flirt, a solicitation. Have you ever noticed that when a very attractive woman walks by a group of business men that it is common for the men to grab the knot of their tie? Why do they do this? They are subconsciously saying “I wish I could get closer-more intimate with her.”

People in general, and especially women will touch or pat this area during times of distress. The clear message is that they wish to retreat from the unfortunate circumstance and reduce their vulnerability. If you are out on a date and a bad scene erupts and she touches this area get her out of there. If you are the cause of her touching this area, then you will know the sign and be aware of her true feelings.

· Flirting – Overt flirting is an art and we are all pretty good at reading the signs without much problem, but the majority of flirtations are covert and not so easily discerned. So, ahead we will explore the signs that he or she likes you.

Signs that she likes you –

She gazes in your eyes, pupils dilated.

Her skin becomes reddish or flushed.

Her vocal intonations reflect yours.

She touches her cheek.

She winks at you.

She lightly bits her lips, shows her tongue, or touches her front teeth with her index finger.

Her sitting posture is straight with muscles firm.

She laughs with you.

She twirls her hair while looking at you.

Signs that he likes you –

He gazes in your eyes, pupils dilated.

His gaze fixates on your lips as though a kiss were eminent.

His eyes wander around your face, and then back to a gaze.

He studies you.

His neck dimple is fully exposed.

Christian singles, other interesting aspects of the second level of nonverbal communications will be discussed ahead.

Hidden in Footwear: What Imelda Marcos Didn’t Know

The five levels of non-verbal communications, by CherishMates

All About Shoes:

Meet single Christian women or men for long term romance. Read our dating advice from dating coach Katherine Tapani.1. Dominant – Thick soled, wide, heavy boots accent the size of the foot and it’s ability to stomp. (Aggression) These boots may be Doc Martens, Combat boots (worn world wide by the military), Jack Boots (worn by enforcement agents), Engineer Boots (worn by bikers) and Cowboy boots. The purpose of these boots is to add stature and steadiness. They are a sign of authority-they say don’t mess with me or you’ll get stomped. Stomping is a universal sign of aggression. A study done by Eibl-Eibsfeldt 1971:12 showed that even blind and deaf children stomp their feet in defiant anger. And the song “These Boots Are Made For Walking” by Nancy Sinatra echoes this fact where the lyrics state-“one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.” You will probably not be able to see the footwear of someone in a Christian dating ad, but eventually you will see what they wear on a regular basis.

Christian singles it should come as no surprise that militant groups such as the Skin Heads and Nazis chose to wear boots as a unique sign of power.

2. Neutral – This type of shoe doesn’t make any brash statements and is neither masculine nor feminine. Penny loafers, Hush Puppies etc. are made for comfort not stomping and are not suitable for the socially ambitious.

3. Submissive – Lightweight upper construction with thin sides slight trim and flourishes are the hallmarks of these shoes. Loafers and Beatle boots are a few examples. They downplay the size of the foot and it’s bluntness.

Men – Women generally love boots (on a man), but not necessarily the militant styles. Fashion Trainer John Malloy found that women consider men in cowboy boots more attractive than ordinary shoes.

Women – Your shoes have a whole different story. Cultures around the world recognize the strong connection between all phases of womanhood and the shoe.

The five levels of non-verbal communications by CherishMates

Cinderella Shoes – Speak of the desire most women have for a story book romance with happy ever after endings. For the young lady of marrying age.

The ruby slippers of Wizard of Oz fame are the central object of magical adventures. For the female child.

The Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe. For the elderly women.

We have cultural connections with shoes in ceremonies. Shoes are tied to the back of the wedding car, drank from at weddings, and saved from youth.

Women’s shoes are designed to accentuate the various parts of the anatomy and make a woman more attractive. This makes women’s shoes different than all others.

All other shoes have a utilitarian purpose, but the women’s high heel is pure cultural vanity. Christian singles sorry for the lack of PC here, but many women have fallen prey to it’s mean designs.

The higher the heel the more cultural vanity yields it’s punishment on the victim. While it is stylish and expected it is not absolutely necessary. Don’t give her a demerit if she doesn’t show up in high heels for your first date, though. She may be a bit tall, and might not want to tower over her online beau, or she may be more comfortable in lower heels. Also, not knowing how much walking will be involved, she may opt for more practical shoes.

Well gang, shall we move on the the all important topic, hair or lack thereof? Did you see how Phil Spector looked without his wigs, now that he is in prison? The top of his head is bald. Remember the bushy wig, reminiscent of those Halloween wigs? Now that I have hopefully whetted your appetite for a great overview of hair and what role it plays in dating, please take a moment out to enjoy some humor. As you know, “A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine.” So let’s take a swig of chuckles I promise it will go down more easily than Cod Liver Oil, the most disgusting medicine on the planet! Enjoy!

Deep in the Amazon jungle, the “Great White Hunter” happened upon a village of cannibals. Wanting to make a good impression, the hunter was gratified to receive a warm welcome from one of the village elders, who gazed intently at him. In his best dialect, the hunter asked who he was. “I’m the meat inspector,” he replied!

Learn To Read People: The Astonishing Unspoken clues!

The five levels of non-verbal communications

Meet single Christian women or men for long term romance. Read our dating advice from dating coach Katherine Tapani.The intricacies of non-verbal gestures and communications are incredibly complex in their structure and lexicon. The subjects have been studied by thousands of researchers since history began. Much is known and much is still conjecture. The aim of this CherishMates primer is to rightly divide the truth from the lie. There are multitudes of wild conjectures out there masquerading as “theories.” Hopefully this will help you sort through all of the analytical hype and psycho-bloviating. The following is what is known to be true.

Christian men and women, be sure to study this section carefully, for it will give you a glimpse into the engaging single person you have met online or offline. You will be clued into their mannerisms, appearance, habits and more, and you can see for yourself if their unspoken “word” matches their spoken word, if they are in sync. I will also help you discern natural nervousness from character flaws.

1. The Encounter – Whatever the location, in the supermarket or workplace we may encounter someone we are attracted to. The initial cursory signs we may read at this point are;

Eye Contact – At longer distances we may see one another doing the “Sweep.” This is where a man looks at a prospective mate and sweeps across the room, not usually making eye contact at first. He is testing her willingness to be looked at. She in turn knows that the ball is now in her court and responds with looking back if interested or turning away if she is not. If she is receptive she may catch your gaze for a moment. This gentlemen, is your first clue. In closer quarters pupil dilation is another give away that she is interested in you. Ladies this goes for the men as well. This is a reflex and cannot be faked, except for the use of Belladonna. (Please note: WE DO NOT SUGGEST YOU TRY BELLADONNA!  Always ask your doctor before trying supplements or other substances, as many of them have unknown side effects, or react dangerously with medications. Please keep your Temple safe and healthy, Christian singles!  In Europe women used Belladonna (an extract of the nightshade family) to artificially dilate their eyes to appear more seductive to men. Pupil dilation is a blatant come hither sign, but hard to read from more than five feet away. Caution : Some drugs used today (illicit narcotics) have the same effect. Policemen are trained to read pupil dilations and have their work cut out for them trying to determine who is on drugs and who is interested in them. A frustrating job!

“It is just as important to listen to someone with your eyes as it is with your ears.”- Bell Gold

The eyes clue others about emotions. The fixed stare can signal intensity of fear, romantic interest, or aggression.

Middle ground eye contact signals interest, secure, at ease.

Christian singles note – Little eye contact shows shyness, submissive, evasive, arrogance, and or nervousness.

Body Adornment and accessories.

Sunglasses – May be worn inappropriately. When worn on a date, and the sun is not an issue, this shows lack of communication skills.

Jewelry – Large amounts of gaudy jewelry show insecurity.

Tattoos and piercings – Earthiness. Some Christians have left over tattoos and piercings from their old life, so take this into consideration. Note that some Christian singles practice tattoos and piercings.

Nails – Bitten and uneven nails betray extreme (usually hidden) tension. Well manicured and clean nails show harmony and contact with the civilized world. Dirty nails may tell of job or hobbies also. On a date, especially the first date, the nails should be clean.

Posture – Good posture conveys strength, confidence, and openness. Poor posture such as stooped shows the opposite of the aforementioned.

Clothing – Obviously when dating people will wear clothes that reflect their identities. Cowboys may wear their boots and hats, businessmen may wear dressy shirts with ties, and blue collar workers may wear flannels and 501’s. Much may be learned about someone by the clothes they wear. The clothes may not necessarily make the man, but they do tell of status, attitudes, social affiliations, ethnicity, and gender. When out in public to be seen people wear their clothes like a billboard. This is not to be confused with the casual wear worn for pure comfort what are sometimes referred to as bum around clothes. The following is a list of prominent social categories advertised by clothing.

Biker  Gothic  Gangsta  Cowboy  Soccer mom  Blue collar
Yuppie  Homeless  Business
Elitist  Nerd  Nascar

There are many more categories, the point is to be aware of who and what you are dealing with. You may not chose to associate with some of the above groups when dating. When viewing Christian dating service photos look at what they are wearing. The photo and the clothes are an ad in themselves.

Shoes – We have sayings such as when someone is “well heeled” (or affluent) which tell much about a people and their social relationships with shoes.

“Shoes hold the key to human identity.” – Sonja Bata, Founder of the Bata Shoe Museum in Toronto Canada.

“Besides, one look at the shoes, he (George Masters, “Stylist to the Stars”) said,  told him all he needed to know about a woman.”

Christian singles – These extreme points of view are not held by all, but they are based on a sound understanding of human nature. Nevertheless, we do not want to encourage unjustified pickiness or snobbish attitudes. They are given here merely to acquaint you with various opinions others may have.

Please join us tomorrow when we examine men’s and women’s footwear to get insight into who they are and what impression they wish to make. Of course, many people must choose their shoes for comfort first, especially Seniors, so be willing to give them a break, OK? And just in time  for me and all you flip flop lovers out there, (you know who you are!) our comfy flip flops now have designer jewels on them, well, OK, they’re  fake jewels, but pretty all the same, don’t you think? So does this mean singles can wear them on a date?  Do you think it is permissible if you live in a hot climate, like the desert?  Since ornate flip flops is such a new footwear fashion, the fashionistas have made no recommendations.  You may be on your own on this one, Christian Singles.  Please bookmark us so you can return often! We love to share these exciting topics with you. Even if you don’t think all the info  is worthwhile, it still may be used as a conversation starter, perhaps with friends or family. God’s peace, brothers and sisters in Christ!

The Allure of a Virtuous Woman

Here is something for you to consider, Christian women – Virtues are elusive in that once you think you have them you lose them.

Example: If you proclaim yourself to be wise you have become a fool. And, If you think yourself humble then you are not. Or perhaps you think yourself good, better than others, you have become vain and that’s not good. Lastly if you have to make a big effort to be kind then it is not real.

“What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?”- Rousseau

A man is not seeking a contender to challenge his every step, but a best friend with whom he can share happiness. Proverbs 21: 19 “ It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman.” Virtue will prevent you from being the woman in the proverb above.

“Virtue: that low sweet root from which all heavenly virtues shoot.” -Thomas Moore

Whether you connect with a suitor in a Christian singles dating service forum or not, these virtues will advertise themselves, and no man who knows you for any length of time will miss it. They will take note.


Christian women, have you noticed that men often complain that they just don’t understand women? And, have you ever noticed that they never complain that they don’t understand their mothers? What can be the reason? Men were raised by women who were not usually militant feminists therefore they have a more classical understanding of women. Herein lies the conflict. Men understand the classical woman and therefore their mothers, but they are confused by the new woman of today. Show him your classical side and romance will be second nature to him. No man forgets Mother’s day, with the flowers, cards etc. which is a form of romance. Inspire that in him and he will respond.


Ladies have you noticed that as a rule men don’t usually stick around long with a woman who goes to bed with him very early in the relationship? They know that that woman does not possess the virtue towards him that he needs. When selecting a lifelong mate, men are looking for certain highly desired universal traits. These traits trump all others on their wish list.

Let us be clear on the definition of virtue – In the broad sense it is “an admirable quality” The virtues a man is looking for in a partner are again; goodness, humility, kindness, and wisdom. There are more, but these are the facets which men appraise most in a woman. Virtue has long been a cherished quality in a woman. In Proverbs 31: 10,11 We read “Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her…”

Christian single ladies, do not underestimate the power of these facets of virtue to give you a genuine allure with men. A decision to examine your heart searching for the power of virtue in your life will begin with Bible study. You might like to have a concordance along side your Bible, and a note pad. You could begin with the above verses found in Proverbs 31:10 and 11. Pray and seek God’s help as you take deliberate and determined steps to expand your faith and grow in virtue. You will love the wonderful ways you progress to become the Lord’s and that perfect mate’s Virtuous Woman! May God bless you. You could begin with goodness, humility, kindness and wisdom, and then add other virtues you already possess, or plan to possess. Remember, every day we should try to improve ourselves in our relationships, our wqlk with God, and our effort to be ambassadors for Jesus Christ and to do great exploits for Him.